10 months and Daddy is ranting

Rizq is 10 months now

It’s 3.16 am and I find it hard to sleep. Long story short, Rizq’s mom is a bit unwell, so daddy need to take care Rizq a bit more today. Nothing’s wrong with that. It’s a bit like that. There are days where I collapse by the end of working hour and needed a nap, so mommy need to take over.

Honestly, life changed a lot when you have a baby. Now Rizq is at the age of climbing up on his walker, so that is super dangerous. Which means that we need to look at him when he is on his walker. Well, I’ll find a way so that he cannot fall out of it, soon. Need to go to some babyshop to find stuff I want to try on him.

On a different note, Rizq is huge for a 10 month old baby. I am happy with that because he looks so mushy-mushy and the fact is, I always want to be bigger for my entire life. So having a son that is bit plump is good by my standard. But I know that life can be quite cruel.

I mean, who I am kidding. I got the ‘you look skinny’ for almost my entire life. And not a compliment skinny. Basically the ‘you haven’t eat much’ kind of skinny. And if Rizq grow up and be a bit meaty, he perhaps will get the ‘you look fat’ thingy. Nevermind, I’ll remind him that other people’s opinion should not matter.

Which bring to the next part. As Rizq is turning 10 months, people start talking about ‘the next baby’. As I said, ‘people’s opinion does not matter’. It does annoy me more often than I like when people keep pushing their idea on us, but I guess I just need to let go.

I guess I also did that ~ thinking that my idea is the best ~ so I suppose that I got my fair share when people keep suggesting me this and that including when Rizq should have sibling.

I mean, it easier to ask of course when you are not the one who experiencing it. By all mean, these people who are asking might be way stronger than I am, in term of having kids. Here I am, juggling between works, managing money, managing vacation, and taking care of a family and it is taking a whole lot for me. I mean, it is fair. If I have to do some programming, I would most likely enjoy it, but for some people, they may be crying all weekend to finish such assignment.

My point is, everyone has their own strength. For now, taking care of a baby takes my entire energy which make me getting annoyed easily when people ask such question. A disclaimer, I do enjoy taking care of Rizq and grateful for being blessed with a baby, albeit tired that I cant even sleep as clock is getting closer to 4 am now.

However, for those of you who love to ask ‘when is the next baby?’ to some random or non-random people, let step back and stop asking those question. It is really annoying. For me, we will have it when we have it, planned or accidental, next year or 7 years to come, and it should not bother you.

This is another reason why I missed those western countries. For instance, I had 3 weeks vacation in Canada, twice, and not once did anyone asked me when I was going to get married and settle down. Here in my lovely country that I love its weather, food and people inside it, I can meet someone random and they will be nosy like they have known me forever.

Enough ranting. I need some sleep even if I am not sleepy..

Do they really exist?

1.17 am. I just finished doing my final teaching video for the semester. Ni kira awal la aku habis buat video malam ni. Kalau tak pukul 4 pagi baru habis.

As Covid-19 is happening, class still goes on. Student aku ada beberapa yang tiada internet yang laju, jadi aku buat video, upload kat Dropbox juga Youtube dan bagi link kat diorang.

Kalau yang berminat nak tahu macam mana aku handle kelas, boleh tengok sini. Ada penampilan istimewa Rizq.

Life has not been easy since Covid-19 is spreading. But I realize, my life is waaaay better than some other people who were affected much worse. With that, I am grateful. Makan pakai masih cukup. Duit gaji masih masuk.

But business as usual in term of work is challenging. I mean, I got a wife and a baby. And work from home means ~ as a husband and a father, they are matters to me. Tak bolehlah kalau Rizq nangis pastu biar saja kan?

But then again, my life is still way better than the others. Mahadi pun kerja dan lagi, ada 3 anak. So it’s obviously more challenging for him and his wife. And those people who are badly affected by this.

I hope it is over soon. This MCO.

Cuma satu yang selalu buat aku stress ialah dengan perangai warga net. Aku sebenarnya jarang betul masuk Twitter sebab Twitter memang penuh dengan royanan tak berkesudahan. Walaupun aku follow orang yang aku kenal, tapi pantang dia like something, Twitter akan papar, dan banyak la benda-benda yang depa like ni yang berbaur negatif.

Aku check Twitter sekarang ni sebab nak tengok update dari KKM. Tapi akan terpandanglah dengan perangai-perangai manusia yang suka maki-maki. Maki orang ini, maki orang itu. Maki geng tabligh. Maki orang balik dari oversea. Sampaikan aku pun menjadi stress membacanya.

Pada hemat aku, dalam keadaan sekarang yang memang dah negatif, tak boleh keluar rumah, kongsilah pos yang baik-baik. Share gambar kucing pun tak apa walaupun aku pada dasarnya tak suka kucing sebab bulu jatuh dan pelbagai faktor lain.

Dan aku perasan, mungkin sebab semua orang terkurung saja di rumah, ramai yang cepat naik angin, paranoid dan negatif dengan benda-benda kecil. To the second point, which is aku pulak termasuk dalam group-group Whatsapp yang ada orang-orang begini.

Tapi itulah. Aku stress juga, tapi tak adalah kisah sangat bila terperap di rumah ni lama-lama. Mungkin sebab zaman di UK dan Darmstadt dulu, memang terpaksa terperap dalam rumah bila musim-musim sejuk. Dan bila terperap macam tu lah yang dulu aku selalu menulis, buat video Youtube dan sebagainya.

Sekarang buat video juga, tapi video kuliahlah.

But tomorrow is my final class. So lepas ni bleh la bekerja pada waktu yang lebih normal. Harap-harap kita semua boleh menjalani kehidupan yang normal tak berapa lama lagi. Dah macam dalam YA(Young Adult) series yang post-apocalyptic dah ni, kena berkurung dalam rumah ja. Kesian Rizq membesar dengan tak berjumpa orang lain kecuali mak bapak dia ~~ see, boleh jadi YA series dah kan.

“I am 10 years old. I grow up with mom and dad. I can see that the sky is blue and the trees are green. But I had never step my foot on the grass. I never meet other people. I talk to people through my phone, but do they really exist? Is there any other people out there, other than us?”

Bam! Then you get a Netflix series already.


Wow, it’s already 2020 and I haven’t even care to write. Rizq is 7 months now, going 8 very soon.

One of the things that I hate to read online is those people who write about how they regret not doing this and that when they were younger.

I mean, grow up already. At a certain period of time, we choose to do a certain thing because we think that it’s the best for us during that time. You know what happen when we do not do what we think is right at that particular time, we may have gone through to a whole different level of stress and depression. We may. No one know if we will. But we are human. Our action we choose is based on what we believe in during that time.

So stop feeling regrets about stuff that happen. Cherish and value the moment that we are living.

It’s the same thing when some people came to me and say, ‘you’re gonna be this old when your kid go to school’. No no, you are not making me feel regretful for not marrying early. I am okay with that, and you should too.

3 bulan

Daddy got 3 minutes to update before Ammad masuk meeting.

Rizq turns 3 months yesterday. Berat 6.5 kilogram.

2 minggu lepas dah mula pandai sebek. Sekarang ni, tiap-tiap malam Rizq akan ajak sembang. Macam2 lah luahan hati dan perasaan diungkapkan dalam sesi sembangan Rizq.

Tapi alhamdulillah, bawak ke mana-mana Rizq akan tidur. Kalau orang approach pun Rizq buat lek lek ja.

Dah bawa Rizq pergi ceramah kat Dewan Budaya, pertandingan debat kat Padang Kota, kem Matematik kat SMK Labu Besar, dan beberapa kenduri dan Rizq tidur-tidur sahaja sepanjang event berlaku. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you for living up to your name, my dear Rizq.

Tapi, muka sentiasa serius kalau ambil gambar dengan mommy dan daddy.

Rizq ajak sembang

It’s 12.59am. Sebenarnya nak kena siapkan kerja ni. Tapi distract jap dengan menulis blog.

Which really reminds me my days back in Durham. Selalu dulu pun tulis blog sebab stress kerja yang tak siap. Jadi tulis blog. Atau buat video. Usually distractions are sweeter than reality. So tido lewat lagilah malam ni.

Works never end, but we establish that already. But it always a good pause whenever I go back to my in laws’ to see my wife and my little baby.

Weekend hari tu aku balik Kelantan. Malam first memang aku tak larat nak jaga sebab penat sangat. So Tiqah jaga macam biasa la. Malam last tu Rizq merengek macam biasa. Tiqah dah tido. So aku bagi susu, habis dah 2 ounce. Lepas tu dia merengek lagi. Aku tukar lampin sebab dah berat. Nasib tak menangis. Lepas tu aku letak elok-elok nak suruh dia tido. Aku sumbat puting. Dia luah. Lepas tu dia pusing kepala dia tengok aku dengan mata terbuka luas. Mulut dia dok menguit-nguit tapi tak nangis. Selalu kalau nangis tu maksudnya nak susu.

Ni rupanya dia ajak bersembang! Aku pusing kepala dia bagi baring elok. Dia still taknak. Pusing dan menguit-nguit lagi la mulut dia. Pukul 3 pagi nak ajak bersembang rupanya.

So aku pun melayan la dia sembang walaupun takdak bunyi pun keluar dari mulut dia. Mak Machang kata dia selalu jaga time tu sebab ikut time Jerman. Which is true sebab 3am Malaysian time is like 8pm over there.

Oh yea, dia memang selalu mula nak lelap bila dekat pukul 6-7 pagi which is like 11 – 12pm over there. But baby-baby orang kata memang suka jaga time tu. Maybe kalau bawa diorang travel Europe, then diorang dapat tido on time la kan sebab jet lag?

Back to that night, selepas beberapa lama, dia masih lagi dok bersembang-sembang dengan aku menceritakan harinya yang penuh dengan aktiviti tidur, menyusu dan berak, or the lack of it; aku yang akhirnya tertido sebab tak tahan dah.

Yang aku perasan, dia menangis, agaknya sebab aku tak dengar luahan hati dia, jadi Tiqah pun take over.

Esok tu sebelum nak balik, terpaksa nasihat kat dia jangan jaga lewat-lewat sebab kesian mommy nak kena berjaga malam-malam. Time aku cakap tu, dia tidur, ataupun pura-pura tidur sebab masih nak berjaga malam.

Tired mind cause chaos

So aku rename this blog to Diari Daddy Rizq. I kinda like the nice ring to it. Plus, I suppose while others love to post pictures about their kids, I wanna write, and I am not posting picture to tell how cute I find my baby is and that yada yada, or perhaps I would because he’s so mushy mushy at the moment.

But how about what a daddy actually thinking. At least one daddy, which is me, which cannot represent the entire daddy population especially coz I am the more sensitive one in my marriage, but hey it’s 2019, and guys being sensitive is not that odd anymore; but daddy wants Rizq to be less sensitive, so let’s see how it goes.

Enough of that prelude. Here comes the things that’s going in my mind.

Busy. That’s my middle name. Aku pun tak tahu ke-busy-an apakah yang melanda. I mean, partly sebab hari tu aku ambil cuti 2 minggu. Dan adat kerja aku ni, kalau 2 minggu cuti, maksudnya kerja itu dilonggok sebanyak 2 minggu yang tak siap-siap lagi.

Dan sekarang Rizq dengan mommy masih tak pulang ke Penang. Jadi jadual aku lagi tak menentu. There’s one day that I started my meeting at 9am and I had to work after dinner and stay up until 2am. Lepas tu takleh tido menyebabkan aku tido pukul 5 pagi. That was those days where I cannot avoid having to finish my work.

Terus aku terfikir, kan dalam drama-drama kehidupan yang kita biasa dengar, anak tak cukup kasih sayang sebab ayah sibuk bekerja; am I becoming that? Will I be that kind of parent that I never ever thought in my life, I may becoming?

Ayah-ayah yang bila anak datang nak berbual, bagitau anak untuk stay away sebab dia penat. Which is true. The tired part. I was actually tired when I have those kind of day. Itu tak masuk lagi dengan drama-drama yang berlaku dalam kehidupan seharian yang buatkan hari tertentu rasa lagi lousy.

I love doing what I have to do. Even if it means that I have to stay up until 1 or 2 am. But this drama thingy gives me another perspective as I am writing this.

Many times in life, I have to face people who I am conflicted with. When I was younger, I always try to solve the conflict. Maybe it’s time to just walking away from people who is not trying to make amends. At least for a while. Definitely when I am hungry.

I remember these recent few days, having meals on my own is kinda refreshing. Just to make me be a bit calm about my daily routine. Rutin yang membuatkan aku kadang-kadang nak ke toilet pun tak sempat.

But that’s life, right?

Dear Rizq, son of mine.

Daddy will try his best to make time for you. But if he fail, know that he loves you still.
And daddy is really tired these days, and sometimes; tired mind cause chaos. Tired body helps you to sleep. Oh, daddy tak pergi gym hari ni; that’s why.