Tired mind cause chaos

So aku rename this blog to Diari Daddy Rizq. I kinda like the nice ring to it. Plus, I suppose while others love to post pictures about their kids, I wanna write, and I am not posting picture to tell how cute I find my baby is and that yada yada, or perhaps I would because he’s so mushy mushy at the moment.

But how about what a daddy actually thinking. At least one daddy, which is me, which cannot represent the entire daddy population especially coz I am the more sensitive one in my marriage, but hey it’s 2019, and guys being sensitive is not that odd anymore; but daddy wants Rizq to be less sensitive, so let’s see how it goes.

Enough of that prelude. Here comes the things that’s going in my mind.

Busy. That’s my middle name. Aku pun tak tahu ke-busy-an apakah yang melanda. I mean, partly sebab hari tu aku ambil cuti 2 minggu. Dan adat kerja aku ni, kalau 2 minggu cuti, maksudnya kerja itu dilonggok sebanyak 2 minggu yang tak siap-siap lagi.

Dan sekarang Rizq dengan mommy masih tak pulang ke Penang. Jadi jadual aku lagi tak menentu. There’s one day that I started my meeting at 9am and I had to work after dinner and stay up until 2am. Lepas tu takleh tido menyebabkan aku tido pukul 5 pagi. That was those days where I cannot avoid having to finish my work.

Terus aku terfikir, kan dalam drama-drama kehidupan yang kita biasa dengar, anak tak cukup kasih sayang sebab ayah sibuk bekerja; am I becoming that? Will I be that kind of parent that I never ever thought in my life, I may becoming?

Ayah-ayah yang bila anak datang nak berbual, bagitau anak untuk stay away sebab dia penat. Which is true. The tired part. I was actually tired when I have those kind of day. Itu tak masuk lagi dengan drama-drama yang berlaku dalam kehidupan seharian yang buatkan hari tertentu rasa lagi lousy.

I love doing what I have to do. Even if it means that I have to stay up until 1 or 2 am. But this drama thingy gives me another perspective as I am writing this.

Many times in life, I have to face people who I am conflicted with. When I was younger, I always try to solve the conflict. Maybe it’s time to just walking away from people who is not trying to make amends. At least for a while. Definitely when I am hungry.

I remember these recent few days, having meals on my own is kinda refreshing. Just to make me be a bit calm about my daily routine. Rutin yang membuatkan aku kadang-kadang nak ke toilet pun tak sempat.

But that’s life, right?

Dear Rizq, son of mine.

Daddy will try his best to make time for you. But if he fail, know that he loves you still.
And daddy is really tired these days, and sometimes; tired mind cause chaos. Tired body helps you to sleep. Oh, daddy tak pergi gym hari ni; that’s why.